Colesfred- Cole Emoff

Cole Emoff
10/29/2008
Colesfred
I find myself in this situation all too often. Sitting here in the back of this dull second-grade classroom waiting for all of these morons to finish up their math quiz, staring at the backside of my off-white test paper. Everyone acts like being smart is a good thing. What a joke! Being smart gets me nothing that really matters. Good grades, a good job as a young paperboy, a mansion, none of these things matter to me. She is what I want. She is what I need. But girls always go for the idiotic guys, the guys who have pompadours and rolled up sleeves. Girls like the kind of guy who can bench-press a jukebox and arm-wrestle an alligator. But then again, Mrs. Schwartz is no ordinary girl. She is the most attractive girl I have ever seen. Her eyes are so beautiful. They are like the two baby blue cat eye marbles in the center of my collection just begging me to touch them. Her ears are slightly smaller than her nose, making her look like an adorable comic strip character that would be seen in the Sunday paper. From her four foot-three, two hundred pound frame to the way her eyebrows are connected by several strands of hair, she is pure perfection. And she is cool too! I mean come on, it’ll be years before I can even grow a peach fuzz mustache, and she has accomplished the arduous feat of growing a pretty good mustache at the young age of fifty-two.
“Colesfred, you want a book or magazine? Something to keep you busy?”
“Oh, no thanks, I’m fine.”
“Okay, hun, just let me know if you do.”
“Heh, okay.”
Oh my God, did she just call me hun? That is unbelievable. I wonder if it was a “cute little kid” hun, or a “I want to go on a romantic adventure with you” hun.
Anyway, I wish these morons would finish up their tests. Of course, everyone is done besides Marcus and Levi. These two are the epitome of the term “wiener kid”. This is a term that is used all the time at school. It means a stupid kid who tries really hard to be cool, but everyone knows that they aren’t cool in any way. They are annoying and stupid. I don’t know why I have to be in the same school as these idiots. Marcus, the uglier of the two, is about three feet tall with bucked-teeth and a rat-tail. He is like a one-point-o version of Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle. Well you know, when that same kid played the young version of “Joe Dirt”? That’s what Marcus looks like.
“Psst, Colesfred!”
“What?”
“Still coming over today?”
“Yeah, just finish your test!”
Yeah… I go over to Marcus’ house a lot, him being my best friend and all.
In case you are wondering why I am so anxious for everyone to finish their tests, it is because of what Mrs. Schwartz does when everyone is done. I feel all warm inside just thinking about it. Well, before we take the tests, she puts up a little white piece of cardboard over the clock. I really don’t know why she does it. It would make more sense if she kept it up the whole class, so people wouldn’t pack up their things ten minutes early, since they wouldn’t know what time it is. But I’m sure she has a good reason for doing it; her brain is just as beautiful as her body. So anyway, after everyone is done with their tests she reaches up to take down the piece of card-board. Her sleeves are just short enough, usually, that a few pieces of her armpit hair just pop right out. Oh my God, it is so absolutely enthralling. Sometimes, when I am lucky, the room is just hot enough for her little black and grey strands of hair to be damp with the remnants of condensation. It sends out a vapor that is absolutely breath taking. Before I set foot in this second grade classroom I had no idea how captivating a fragrance could be.
“Okay, everyone done with your tests? Good. Now I can reach up and take down the piece of cardboard that I put up every time you guys take your tests. Wow, my sleeves are exceptionally short today making it very hard for me to reach up this high.”
“Psst, hey Colesfred!”
“Marcus, hold on!”
“I was just wondering if you are ever going to tell me about that girl that you have a crush on.”
“Please just be quiet!” Man, I just want to witness this holy moment in all its glory.
“Colesfred, I just-”
“SHUT UP!” Ah, Maybe I shouldn’t have said that so loud.
“Colesfred!”
“Yes Mrs. Schwartz?”
“I want to see you after class, you have been acting rather strange lately.”
“Oh… Yes ma’am.”
Rather strange? I wonder what she means by that?
“In case you are wondering what I mean by that, I will tell you later when we have privacy.”
“Yes ma’am”
Okay, it’s pretty obvious now what she means. She knows that I love her. She caught on to the subtle hints, like how I have our names with a heart drawn around them on every page of my notebook, or how I always choose her to give my Valentine’s Day cards to. I have never been faced with this situation before. I must win her over today. I have the chance to be all alone with her to read her the Dr. Seussian sonnets that I have written about my pac-man hi-score. Well one thing’s for sure, I have to look my best if I want her to fall for me. Well, my calculator has a reflective plastic cover over the screen, I can check myself out in the reflection.
“Hey Marcus, I need my calculator back.”
“Okay, pal, here it is.”
It doesn’t even look like my calculator. It is covered in some kind of crusty greenish-brown layer of something. Marcus is always doing gross stuff like this. I never do anything gross. I never spill anything on myself, pick my nose, brush my teeth, I never do any of that stuff.
“What did you do to it?”
“Oh yeah, sorry, I used it to wipe my mouth on sloppy-joe day. Remember, it was that day you came to lunch with your pants all wet?”
“Yeah, okay whatever you can keep it.” Why the hell did he use it to wipe his mouth?
Well that only leaves one option…
“Mrs. Schwartz?”
“Yes, what is it now Colesfred?”
“May I use the restroom?”
“Sure, but make it fast because there are only ten minutes left in class.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I hate using public restrooms. They are like torture chambers. There is always water dripping. There are puddles all over the ground. That’s about all I know about torture chambers. It seems like eternity walking form my classroom to the restroom. It’s like walking The Green Mile. But, it is the only place I can primp for my date with Mrs. Schwartz. Oh, did I say walking The Green Mile? Sorry, I meant to say watching The Green Mile. That movie is like three hours long.
God, this place is absolutely revolting. There is all kinds of graffiti covering the sea-foam blue walls, stuff like “Marcus Mcbribe is a wiener kid” and “Mrs. Schwartz is hot” and there are other things on the wall that I didn’t write too. Well while I’m in here I might as well urinate so I don’t have to go when I am talking to my love. Primping and peeing in one visit, killing two birds with one stone, why isn’t everyone this smart?
One thing I don’t understand about adults is why they don’t pull their pants down all the way to their ankles when they pee. It makes everything so easy, so free. In fact, it’s one of the only ways I can express my freedom in this drab establishment.
Okay, now that that is done, time to make sure I look good for my sweet princess. This mirror is filthy, don’t the commoners clean this bathroom at all? Well I look alright, my bowl-cut is looking exceptionally even today, I am really going to… wait… what’s that? Aw man! I got urine on my pant leg. Damn it! Okay, okay, keep calm Colesfred, you can just dry it off with this classy golf towel I carry around for just such occasions and she won’t notice.
“What in Sam Hell are you doing kid?”
“Oh, Principal McSherry, I was just-”
“You are just what? If school wasn’t a few minutes from being over I would take you to see the counselor. That’s pretty sick what you are doing with that paper towel.” “But sir, I was just”
“Okay, poindexter, spare the details, and just get back to class!”
“Yes sir.”
Okay so I’m walking to class to confront my lover with a huge pee stain on my pants. Not exactly how I had pictured it, but I will have to work with it. I will just have to keep my hands over the stain, it’s as easy as that! Man, this walk from the bathroom to the class is just as long as the walk from the class to the bathroom. I feel like I’m watching Forest Gump again. Forest Gump? Or was it Splash? Either way, it was a Tom Hanks Movie- Wait, what? Where is everyone? More importantly, where is Mrs. Schwartz?
“Excuse me, Principal McSherry, where has everyone gone?”
“Oh my oh my, where has everyone gone? I haven’t the slightest clue, maybe they went home since school was over five minutes ago. I’ll tell you what kid, you’ve got to be one of the weirdest people I’ve ever seen. I see you still didn’t get that pee off your pants, loser!” McSherry says as he walks away with his backwards hat and overalls.
I find myself in this situation all too often. I am walking home from school alone, dreaming about my sweet love, with a urine stain on my pants. Only this time I had a chance to tell her how I feel. I had a chance to get her in my grasp and pull her in like a fish on the reel. But, I blew it. Maybe tomorrow. I wonder if the flower shop is open. She loves Tulips.