Stars and Nuts; Or How It Doesn't Happen in Star Trek

When Michael Flute joined the crew of the U.S.S. Hercules, he had no idea that he would have to deal with a foolish captain who would, more often than not, put the ship and the entire crew in danger. It wasn’t that Captain William Thompson was a bad person, but Michael certainly didn’t want to end up like a red-shirt just because his commanding officer ticked off the Viochemian Envoy by flirting with one of his many wives. Nor he really didn’t feel like worrying about whether or not the Hercules would get sucked into a black hole simply because the captain thought it would be a good idea to hide behind what he figured was a cloud of stardust to get away from a Alkalian captain he owed money to.
As the first officer was injured as a result of one of the captain’s mishaps in an earlier incident, the only senior officer who had any sense was the second officer, who also happened to be a female android named May Trix. Michael was a bit amused when she filled in the position vacated by the previous second officer, Lieutenant Commander Donald McDude, due to a nervous breakdown, no doubt brought on by Captain Thompson. Evidently, someone at the Earth Alliance Federation High Command must have been watching too much Star Trek: The Next Generation, and must have gotten the bright idea to send an android to keep the captain in line. It was too bad she rarely left the ship during the surface missions in order to keep him out of trouble.
The problem was that whenever Captain Thompson sees a very beautiful woman, there was usually bound to be trouble. Actually, this was how the captain ruffled the Viochemian envoy’s features that fateful day on the surface of Ceedeeius 7.
Michael was on the surface team with the captain and a good number of other crew members during what was supposed to be a peace conference. For some strange reason, most likely due to a collective brain fart on their part, the Earth Alliance Federation decided to send Captain Thompson as their representative.
Michael was acting as first officer on this particular mission. This meant that it was his job to keep the captain in line. This also meant that he had to make sure that the captain made it on time to the meeting with the Viochemian Envoy the following day. This entails that he had to keep track of the captain at all times. Right now, Michael was about to have a nervous breakdown.
“Sir,” a female officer reported. “We’ve found him.”
Michael heaved a sigh of relief. Think goodness, he thought. “Where was he?”
“We found him at the bar,” the female officer replied. “Don’t worry, we didn’t let him have any drinks.”
Just then, a middle aged man with grey hair came into the room, escorted by another female officer. Michael was starting to understand why the captain had chosen so many female officers for this mission. Luckily, the lieutenant commander wouldn’t allow it.
“My, Samantha,” the captain said, looking the other female officer up and down, and slapping her on the rear. “Has anyone ever told you that you look good in red? What about we get to my quarters and discuss physics?”
Michael could tell that this was making both of the female officers uncomfortable, so he had them dismissed. He then turned his attention to the captain.
“You do realize that you had me worried!” Michael told the captain. “The conference is tomorrow, and you were off about to get drunk!”
“Oh, calm down, Fluke,” the captain replied. “You need to learn to loosen up a little. No woman will ever want to hook up with you if you continue to be all uptight like that.”
“It’s Flute, sir,” Michael stated. “And I’m only getting on you because I know that you’re going to end up ticking someone off, as you seem to always do.”
“Ah, Mickey,” the captain retorted. “I was having a little fun. No one’s been hurt with my having fun.”
“Tell that to Commander Watchmin,” Michael said. “He’s on sick leave because you couldn’t keep from hitting on the Bookian princess.”
“Well, okay,” the captain conceded. “I’ll admit that much. But she was worth losing a good first officer temporarily, I’ll tell you that.”
Michael had to remind the captain about the conference taking place at 1700 hours the next day. As it was getting late, he suggested that they retired for the night, and had some male officers escort the captain down to his quarters.
Sometime around 1700 hours the next day, when Captain Thompson didn’t show up for their meeting with Envoy Dolluer, the envoy got a little upset, which was not a state one wanted to get a Viochemian male into. Viochemian males had the temperament of a crocodile after they’ve been rudely woken up from a good nap.
“Your captain better have a good excuse for not being here,” the envoy told Michael.
“Trust me,” Michael said. “I thinking the same thing.”
Michael made certain that Captain Thompson didn’t sneak away, but somehow, the captain managed to slip out of the security detail’s sight. He and a small security team set out to look for him.
As it turns out, the captain got drunk and was found outside the bar, hitting on a beautiful Viochemian female. It also turns out that she was one of the envoy’s 20 wives. Needless to say, this really got the envoy fired up. If Gene Roddenbarry, the creator of Star Trek, was still alive well into the 25th Century to witness this scene, he would have been a little mortified.
Michael was lucky to get out of the firefight that ensured unscathed, or even alive for that matter. No one was killed, but many of the security officers, or “red-shirts” as everyone called them, found themselves in the Hercules’ sick bay, where they most often did wind up when something goes awry.
At this moment, Michael found himself in the ship’s counselor’s office, talking about his grievances with the captain to Ms. Plait, the ship’s young, new counselor. Unfortunately, he felt like he was getting nowhere with her.
“So are you saying that you wish it were you who flirted with Envoy Dolluer’s 17th wife instead of the captain?” the seemingly airheaded blonde counselor asked.
“No, I’m not saying that at all,” Michael said for what appeared to be the 19 billionth time. He was starting to wish that he hadn’t described Envoy Dolluer’s very beautiful, very sexy 17th wife, with her pink skin, orange eyes, and green, ankle-length hair, to the equally gorgeous blue eyed counselor.
Michael was starting to realize how young Ms. Plait looked– she couldn’t be much younger than he was, maybe around 24 years old. Normally counselors were somewhere between their mid 30's to early 50's, and seemed to have their heads screwed on tight. He also noticed that her baby-blue shirt, which was part of her uniform, was adjusted so that her cleavage would be visible, something a lot of the male officers, himself included, would have been more than fine with. However, he just didn’t think, for practical purposes, that this would have been considered professional for a counselor.
The captain must have duped her into thinking this was the dress code for this ship, Michael thought.
Michael refocused his attention and thoughts away from the counselor’s low-cut top to her face, as well as the conversation at hand.
“I just wish the captain would exercise a little more restraint when it comes to women!” he said in a loud voice. “It’s a wonder that he hasn’t been relieved of duty after this incident alone! I mean, an officer of the Earth Alliance Federation Space Navy should behave in the most dignified manner possible, especially when he’s in such a high position as that of a captain!”
Ms. Plait looked at him with those deep-blue eyes of hers, and Michael could tell there was some genuine concern in them. “Ah, you’re stressed, aren’t you?”
“Yes! Yes, I am!” Michael almost shouted. Finally, she was getting it. “The captain’s shenanigans aren’t what I signed up for! I feel like I’m in an episode of Home Improvement instead of one of Star Trek, and I’m Al to the captain’s Tim!”
“Oh! I love Home Improvement!” Ms. Plait said in joy. “Did you see the one where Tim installed a huge home security system after Wilson got robbed?”
“Yeah, I have.” He sighed. He was ready to go into a conversation about all of the crazy antics of the “Tool Man” from the late 20th Century sitcom.
To his surprise, she returned her attention to his situation.
“I know! You should watch maybe two hours of that show sometime during your off-days,” she suggested. She then handed him a rubber Swoosh ball. “And whenever you feel that stress coming back, just give this little guy a little squeeze.”
She then got up and gave Michael a hug. A big hug. He wasn’t sure this was deemed appropriate, or even professional, but at the moment, he really didn’t care.
While Michael was a little relieved, he really wasn’t entirely satisfied. He really wanted someone to talk back to him. Well, okay, the counselor did talk back to him.
As he exited the office, Michael found his friend Johnny Beegoode waiting for him.
“So, how did it go?” Johnny asked with a sly smile on his face. Michael had known Johnny since Kindergarten, so he knew what that smile meant.
“You know, you could go in there and ask her out yourself,” Michael replied. “I did get a hug from her, in case you’re wondering.”
“Tell me more, bro,” Johnny said, patting his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder.
“One thing I did learn from our little session is that she apparently likes Home Improvement as much as we do,” Michael was telling his buddy, after they had gotten into a booth down in the mess hall and ordered themselves a couple of root beers. At that point, they were officially off duty, free from the captain’s insane actions.
“Hey, maybe we should invite Ms. Plait over to our quarters to watch a few episodes tonight,” Johnny suggested. He ran his hand through his neatly combed black hair. “We could get to know her better.”
“I just got done comparing the captain to Tim Allan with her,” Michael told Johnny. “I’d rather watch something from Cory’s endless collection of early 21st Century anime.”
“I would go along with both ideas,” Cory Getalife, who was sitting at their table, said. He was another of Michael’s childhood friends from his school days. He had on a green shirt with black accents, which indicated to the crew that he worked in Engineering.
Cory was known to be a little eccentric when it came to engineering. Once, he built himself a special television set that didn’t need any sort of screen, complete with a snack bar that would automatically hand a person anything that they wanted with a set of robotic arms. Cory soon realized that there were a lot of bugs to be worked out after the snack bar started throwing forks at people, and the special holographic display started showing demonic looking smiley faces. To think that he had built that T.V. set so he could watch hours upon hours of Pokemon.
The only other person who shared Cory’s passion for engineering was Chief Engineer Phillip Jackson, with whom Cory would share ideas on how to improve the efficiency of the Hercules’ jump-engines. To most people, however, this was not a good thing.
“What did Chief Jackson do to the engines, this time?” Johnny asked the engineer.
“The Chief came up with this configuration that involved putting in a couple extra power conduits, making the star-jump engines go faster and smoother than ever before,” Cory explained with pride. “By bi-passing a few circuits, we could go up to 1000 star knots per hour.”
“How long after the modifications were made until the jump-systems gave out?” Johnny raised an eyebrow at Cory, waiting for a response.
“About five minutes,” Cory said, defeated.
Johnny extended his hand toward Michael’s direction.
“Told you– less than ten minutes,” Johnny said, victoriously. “Pay up.”
“Fine,” Michael said. Michael and Johnny always betted with one another over any potential engineering disasters that was bound to occur.
Michael noticed a young looking female officer coming near them. She looked like she was ripped off the pages of Playboy Magazine, as Johnny would put it, except she had all of her clothes on, including a dark red blouse. The only things that looked unnatural were her silver-blue hair and silver-blue eyes. If one hadn’t known better, one could have confused her for a real person.
“Good afternoon, Lieutenant Commander,” Michael greeted his superior officer.
“Good Afternoon to you, too, Lieutenant,” May Trix replied. She took a seat next to Leena.
Michael knew that if anyone had just about enough of the captain, it would be May.
“Did the captain make another pass at you, May?” Cory asked. As May was also off duty, there was no need for anyone to address her as “ma’am” or “Lieutenant Commander.”
“Yes,” she replied. “This was his 26th attempt this week. If the captain slaps my seat again, I may have to file a restraining order against him.”
Everyone at the table laughed, although they realized that it was true.
“I hope that I am not interrupting your conversation,” the android lieutenant commander said. “However, I am hoping to discuss matters important involving the captain.”
Michael had spoken with the lieutenant commander the week before, when she told him that the Federation wasn’t going to hold him responsible for the captain’s actions. Nor was she, as she was the one who had picked him for the job of watching over the mission. There was nothing that could have been done.
Michael knew now that what the second officer wanted to talk about was related to rumors of a possible mutiny against the captain. It is said that even the Earth Alliance Federation approves of this mutiny. In fact, Michael, Johnny and Cory had talked some about joining the mutiny, only jokingly, although Michael real did think about it.
“We were only joking about joining the mutiny,” Johnny said defensively. “We really wouldn’t do anything like that.”
“I was hoping to see if I could get you three to reconsider,” May returned. “I feel that it may be necessary to be ready should the captain cause any more problems.”
Michael took a few minutes to think about this. It must be that serious if even an android is contemplating mutiny. Then again, as second officer, it was her job to do whatever necessary to keep the ship, and its crew, in one piece. Of course, it could be that she was getting tired of the captain constantly harassing her on a daily basis. She was, while an android, still a woman.
The four had talked about the plans they would have to enact should the need arise, hoping that the need never would.

The next day would be when it would all be decided. The ship was put on red alert, and both he and Johnny had to report to the bridge earlier than they normally would.
“How long have they been there?” the second officer asked.
“Since 0700, sir,” replied Johnny. “They haven’t moved since.”
“Where is Captain Thompson?” Lieutenant Commander Trix inquired.
“We haven’t seen him since this morning,” a female officer replied.
The Hercules had encountered an Viochemian battle cruiser, and everyone in the bridge was on edge. Michael had heard rumors that they had put a bounty on the captain’s head. From the looks of the massively oversized beam cannons, there was truth to that rumor. The problem was that the captain was not on bridge to monitor the situation.
Since the captain was not on bridge, it was decided to send someone to look for him. Somehow, that job fell to Michael.
Michael had a pretty good idea of where to find him. Sure enough, he and a security detail found the captain in his quarters, looking at some swimsuit catalogs. It took about 15 minutes to get him ready and to the bridge.
“Give me the situation, Goodebee,” the Captain told Johnny.
“It’s Beegoode, sir,” Johnny replied. “A Viochemian battle cruiser is right in front of us and aiming its massive cannons at us.”
“Let’s not forget that the ship itself is massive,” Michael added. “And they are waiting for you!”
“Well, then,” Captain Thompson said. He almost looked like he had won a battle that hadn’t even started yet. “Get a channel open. I’ve got some things to say to them.”
A communications channel was open, and soon the face of a purple skinned, blue haired Viochemian captain appeared on screen. “I am Captain Lampow of the Viochemian battle fleet, requesting that Captain William Thompson surrender himself to us, so that no harm may come to your vessel.”
“What if I don’t surrender,” the captain asked.
“Did you not hear me say, ‘so that no harm may come to your vessel’?” the Viochemian captain asked, almost frustrated by the Earthen captain’s question. “If you surrender, I will consider letting your ship go.”
“Well, I refuse to surrender to the likes of you,” the captain shouted in defiance. “You want to know why? Because I have a lot of beautiful women around me, and they would miss me if I go!”
Yeah, right, Michael thought.
“Is that why you decided to hit on our envoy’s 17th wife?” Lampow asked.
“Well, you have to admit, she was pretty hot.”
“True,” Lampow admitted. “I have to say that there isn’t a time that I haven’t envied Dolluer for that. The guy has good taste in women.”
“So I can leave and we can forget that incident ever happened?” the Captain asked.
“Heck no!” the Viochemian captain replied. “I’ve given you enough time, and you’ve wasted it! Besides, you have a pretty hefty bounty on your head.”
“Well you know what,” the captain said, grabbing May, who happened to be the closest woman around. “I am the greatest captain in the Earth Navy! I can blow you out of the water!”
“Captain, I request that you release me this instant,” Lieutenant Commander Trix said. “This is pretty close to harassment, and I have told you that I will file a restraining order against you.”
The bridged began to rock, causing the captain to let go of the lieutenant commander. The Viochemians were firing off some warning shots.
“Damage report,” Lieutenant Commander Trix said.
“Nothing too serious, ma’am,” Cory’s voice said over the intercom. “But if they hit us with those beam cannons, we’re toast!”
Michael knoew he wasnt going to let the ship get destroyed. He turned to the captain, picked him up and sat him down in his captain’s chair.
“You have a choice, Captain,” Michael said. “Either give yourself up to the Viochemians, or risk getting us all blown up. What will it be?”
While this going on, the Hercules had fired off a few beam torpedoes of its own, trying to keep itself from being destroyed.
“Are you kidding me,” the captain said. “I’ve just begun to fight! I’m not going to apologize for having a little fun.”
“Did you not see those massive oversized cannons?” Michael asked.
“So, what?” Thompson replied. “Those cannons are no match for these guns!” The captain then flex his muscles.
“Okay, look,” Michael said. “Right now, as we speak, we are putting Cory’s special T.V. in your quarters.”
“I’ve not scared of Getaclue’s inventions,” the captain said. He had called Michael’s bluff. He knew it was time to take action.
“Okay,” Michael said to everyone on the bridge. “I propose we give the captain to the Viochemians. All for, say ‘Ai!’”
Nearly everyone on the bridge said “Ai!”
“And against!”
Nearly nobody spoke up against the notion. The only person that did was the captain himself.
“Look,” the captain pleaded. “I’ll make it up to everyone! Even if you do send me away, I’ll make up for all of the wrongs that I’ve done!”
“You can start by giving yourself up to the Viochemians,” Michael told him.
“Alright,” the captain said. “At least they won’t hold me for long!”
The Hercules continued to fire on the Viochemian ship, which itself was still firing its smaller cannons. As soon as the lieutenant commander contacted Lampow to tell him that they were turning Captain Thompson over, the Viochemians ceased fire.
Watching as the Viochemian battle cruiser sails away with their captain, Michael, Johnny, and Cory assessed the situation.
“So you think we’ll see the guy again anytime soon?” Johnny asked.
“He be back in a couple of weeks,” Michael said. “That is, of course, if high command decides to have him transferred somewhere where he won’t make any more trouble.”
The three of them chuckled at the thought, because they all knew that once he came back, it would be the same old business as usual. They would have to transfer him somewhere else.
“So how long do you think the jump-engines will last once Chief Jackson adds in those next round of modifications?” Johnny asked Michael.
“I say about ten minutes,” Michael answered.
“Whanna bet?”
“You’re on!”
With that, the three decided to head to Michael and Johnny’s quarters to watch some more episodes of Home Improvement.